after all the grief and loss and disruption, you are still—you always will be—exactly who you are.
学校书店里Sucan Cain这本书和Emily Wilson翻译的奥德赛并列在一起。虽然标题下意识想起卡森，封面也有点亚马逊销冠小说的感觉，内容依旧是那股美国社科的味道，罗列的教授名字，普林斯顿，实验变量，平克再现，女性成长。不过这个主题并不只是平铺直叙能写好的，需要很多主观的私人的甚至有偏见的感受才能让读者共鸣，在这一点上我觉得能看到作者的努力。读完下来收获不少。
才发现作者是写 Quiet 的，应该是鸟鸟吐槽过的那本内向者优势。
Sorrow and Longing
悲伤不仅对于创作有重大意义，对于生活本身也有重要的推动作用。古希腊悲剧比戏剧更有撼动人心的效果。这里有提到老朋友De Botton的the School of Life。
Longing
渴望和可望不可即是硬币的两面，因为不可触及所以渴望，而触及了的东西无法被渴望。这不光是爱情里的渴望，更是对一切事物的渴望
longing is the road to belonging. And it’s not just about romantic love
Rather, the yearning comes first, and exists on its own; romantic love is just one expression of it. It happens to be the manifestation that preoccupies our culture
…yearning melodies help our bodies to achieve homeostasis… it’s only sad music that elicits exalted states of communion and awe
作者说“strongest is empath”。《悲剧心理学》里对人们热爱悲剧的原因进行了探究，恐惧、怜悯和同情都是可能的理由。当然如果从“苦甜”的角度来说，强烈的怜悯或许是一个解释方式，因为恐惧是斥力，而怜悯是有吸引力的，人要吃点甜的。
下面这个表述和卡森的解释有相通之处——对结合的渴望，对合而为一的追求。因为我的心里有你的形状的缺口，所以我需要，我渴求，我盼望。在先验的缺失中，我们滋养生长，各取所需。
We long for unity. We like art forms that express our longing for union, and for a more perfect and beautiful world.
Longing is not destructive but generative. The idea of longing as a sacred and generative force
西方语境下对渴望的讨论无法避开厄洛斯，无法避开古希腊，所以我们又站在了帕特农：
The ancient Greeks called it pothos, which Plato defined as a yearning desire for something wonderful that we can’t have.
Pothos (Longing) was the brother of Himeros (Desire) and the son of Eros (Love)the novelist Mark Merlis describes the mysterious pain that comes from meeting someone irresistible:
Do you know how sometimes you see a man, and you’re not sure if you want to get in his pants or if you want to cry? Not because you can’t have him; maybe you can. But you see right away something in him beyond having. You can’t screw your way into it, any more than you can get at the golden eggs by slitting the goose. So you want to cry, not like a child, but like an exile who is reminded of his homeland. That’s what Leucon saw when he first beheld Pyrrhus: as if he were getting a glimpse of that other place we were meant to be, the shore from which we were deported before we were born.
渴望是不可逆转的，是单向通行的。真正察觉到情感的时候，不是因为爱不释手而雀跃，而是突然一股难过涌上心头。我一度以为这是非常东亚的叙事，在这里却得到共鸣。当你知道日升日落这个人渐行渐远，但是并不是你不能挽回而是你不愿，酸楚盖过了一切。
“Longing is different from craving,” he explains. “It’s the craving of the soul. You want to go home.
Over the course of love, real life will intervene, in the daily negotiations of managing a partnership and possibly a household, and in the limitations of human psychology
《分手的决心》里，女主角想要的是男主角的心
Longing is what Sufism is all about. But not everyone dares to go into this abyss of pain, this longing, that can take you there.
这里是sofism的例子，但是佛教基督教也有相应的禁欲的表述，这应该算是某种程度上的宗教共性。”
Creativity
Is creativity associated with sorrow and longing, through some mysterious force?
伤感果真让我们文思泉涌？首先，苦楚中的人更加孤注一掷：
sad moods tend to sharpen our attention: They make us more focused and detail oriented
其次，苦甜的两面性使得让我们仍然保有乐观的一面：
view creativity through the lens of bittersweetness—of grappling simultaneously with darkness and light. It’s not that pain equals art. It’s that creativity has the power to look pain in the eye, and to decide to turn it into something better.
痛苦是不能摆脱的，只能被覆盖，只能让它结痂长成新的表皮，丑陋的疤痕变成色素留在皮肤里。
Whatever pain you can’t get rid of, make it your creative offering—or find someone who makes it for you
当我们一步一步迈向终点、察觉时间、感受熵增，苦甜也随之汩汩流淌，从破碎裂缝中发芽，长成参天大树。
the researchers asked what triggered them. And of a very long list, they found two items that consistently appeared as major triggers: “transitional period of life” and “being close to death.” In other words: an intense awareness of passing time—the hallmark of bittersweetness itself… why it’s rooted in brokenness, but points at transcendence.
Lost Love
作者在这里举了一个很特别的例子，讲自己的母女关系，但是不是传统的母女关系，而是她怎么样从小认为母爱无私伟大，到慢慢认清这段关系的平凡和利己，从而“失去”了一段对她来说很重要的感情。我看的时候是这么写的：“母女关系是一种复杂又深刻的慢性病。我也不想逃避，但是我要做人，社会化的我要八面玲珑。” 想到最近读的一篇文，主角在知道对方过去的隐瞒之后就知道她曾经爱过的那个人已经某种程度上“死”了，虽然她后来又见到这个人，甚至还是记忆中的可人模样，她的爱也不曾动摇，但是已经无法挽回了，已经无法回到过去了。
But she haunted my dreams, appearing in different guises as a sometimes menacing, sometimes fragile protagonist to whom I was yoked, someone I loved yet longed to escape.
当我们失去爱的时候，我们失去的是什么？对于这个问题，其实有无穷无尽的答案。
One: These losses shape your psyche; they lay down patterns for all your interactions.
Two: No matter how much therapeutic work you do, these may be your Achilles’ heels for life
爱本身是永恒的。这个观点让我想起了最近让我感慨很深的一篇文，即使一段关系扭曲破碎，但是其中仍然保留着非常浓厚的爱意，我们不能单纯用理性去看待关系，因为经营感情或许要理性，但是爱本身是不可逆转的，一旦越过了那个边界，厄洛斯就喷涌而出，于是成为一种“永恒”（我想这里我解释的意思并不是时间上的永恒，而是形式上的不灭）。
The love you lost, or the love you wished for and never had: That love exists eternally. It shifts its shape, but it’s always there. The task is to recognize it in its new form.
Everything that you love, you will eventually lose. But in the end, love will return in a different form.
Remember the linguistic origins of the word yearning: The place you suffer is the place you care. You hurt because you care
acceptance of the bitter.
面对失去，我们要怎么做？
First, we need to acknowledge that a loss has occurred; second, to embrace the emotions that accompany it. Instead of trying to control the pain, or to distract ourselves with food, alcohol, or work, we should simply feel our hurt, sorrow, shock, anger. Third, we need to accept all our feelings, thoughts, and memories, even the unexpected and seemingly inappropriate ones, such as liberation, laughter, and relief. Fourth, we should expect that sometimes we’ll feel overwhelmed. And fifth, we should watch out for unhelpful thoughts, such as “I should be over this,” “It’s all my fault,” and “Life is unfair.”
然后我们拷问自我：
What are you separated from, what or whom have you lost? And also ask: Where is your particular pain of separation pointing you? What matters most deeply to you? And how can you bring it into being?
解铃还须系铃人
often healers must first undergo an initiation process involving great misery
We have to hold our losses close, and carry them like beloved children. Only when we accept these terrible pains do we realize that the path across is the one that takes us through.
下面这句话只是纯粹的因为在作品B读到了相关的梗所以看的时候捧腹大笑了。
spare studio apartment overlooking lower Fifth Avenue in Greenwich Village. Sharon has a deep, mellow voice, and a calm, embracing presence
我在想，人文和社科最大的区别是对文本的咀嚼程度。中文里的人文的“文”是有原因的。读前面几章的时候，觉得这个纯纯社科，但是读到这里，看到了其中人文的柔情。
It once was like this, she once was like this, we once were like this. And for this moment in time, before her memory vanishes for good, this is the way we are, again
Everything is broken, everything is beautiful—everything, including love
为美好的生活献上祝福。
Effortless perfection & forced positivity
所谓的Effortless perfection在我的同龄人里随处可见——我们都希望彰显自己“没有怎么努力但是取得了成功”，我们总希望表现得轻松，好像我们能轻而易举地取得优异成绩
我觉得是我用功有的是人看得见，最好的人生是不卑不亢，不吹嘘自大也不妄自菲薄。
Because the phenomenon is not so much about perfection as it is about victory
因为只有把心酸抛下，才不容易被情绪左右。这是当代“成年人”的标志——情绪稳定。沈奕斐老师说过情绪稳定其实是个伪命题，我们都不希望被当作或者面对木头，活生生的人类是应该有情感起伏的，但是“精英”的面貌要求人们时刻精致处处完美，所以只能剥夺人类最重要的——情感！
Research on emotional suppression shows that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they get stronger,” Susan told the audience in her popular TED Talk.
面对这种情况，写下来自己真实的想法或许是一种解决方式——面对诚实的自己，看到自己的努力。
“Psychologists call this amplification.
All you have to do is write.
Mortality, Impermanence and Grief
关于生命的终结，在《最好的告别》里有很深刻的讨论，很高兴的是我在学校里也参加过关于生命和死亡的真诚讨论。
You’re not saying there’s something wrong with you. You’re not saying that you have a pathology. You’re saying that you’re human. Welcome to humanity.
首先，我们不应该避讳谈论死亡，谈论死亡不包含诅咒，而应该包括作为人不可或缺的一部分——生命观不仅是怎么活着，也包括怎么离开。
Death gives as much meaning to life
Because that’s what makes life precious
xb3关于梅比乌斯的讨论里也有这个命题——永生和短暂，到底哪个更加残酷。
That it’s not only impossible to live forever (the snake will eat the flower) but also unwise. That after a few hundred years, we’d get bored; life would lose its meaning.
We think we long for eternal life, but maybe what we’re really longing for is perfect and unconditional love; a world in which lions actually do lay down with lambs; a world free of famines and floods, concentration camps and Gulag archipelagos; a world in which we grow up to love others in the same helplessly exuberant way we once loved our parents; a world in which we’re forever adored like a precious baby; a world built on an entirely different logic from our own, one in which life needn’t eat life in order to survive. Even if our limbs were metallic and unbreakable, and our souls uploaded to a hard drive in the sky, even if we colonized a galaxy of hospitable planets as glorious as Earth, even then we would face disappointment and heartbreak, strife and separation. And these are conditions for which a deathless existence has no remedy.
不同的宗教对于死亡有自己的理解，这里主要是佛教和印度教的例子。
in Buddhism and Hinduism, is not immortality, but freedom from rebirth.
I like the saying that how mortality leads to the pathway of love. that sorrow, longing, and maybe even mortality itself are a unifying force, a pathway to love; and that our greatest and most difficult task is learning how to walk it.
The Buddhist (and Hindu and Jain) answer to the question of how to live, knowing that we’ll die, is to practice nonattachment: We should love, but we shouldn’t cling to our desires or our aversions
古代中国人有自己的看法，曹丕的三不朽。
Ancient Chinese writers had been long taking about this issue. And the conclusion is much effort is required to reach immortal art. Remember, thou art mortal.”
Her smell….remains in the apartment even most of the time she wasn’t there.
We assume that the standard trajectory following bereavement is a long period of agony followed by a painstakingly slow recovery, but the reality, says Bonanno, is more complex.
“but even so”—carries a different wisdom: one that expresses the longing that many of us sense is the force that will carry us home. “But even so” opens up the arms that seem to fold tightly across the chest of the world when our loved ones leave us. “But even so” connects us with everyone who’s ever grieved, which is to say: everyone.
I had thyroid cancer. It was cured. But for the rest of my life, that sense of invulnerability was gone.”
我们没有办法选择自己的出生，但是我们可以选择自己离开的方式。
We’re all given legacies, he explains. “We don’t have a choice. Legacies can be profoundly joyful and wonderful. I was given a legacy of suffering and death, but also of survival and existential guilt. I grew up lonely. Everyone had died, so many of our relatives never had a chance to create a life. We were left alive, and we didn’t know why.”
而生活还要继续。
after all the grief and loss and disruption, you are still—you always will be—exactly who you are.
And I intend to. And so, I hope, will you.